Baby Number 4

   So last week I had a miscarriage... again. That's not the way I had envisioned sharing the news of another member in our family when I saw the two pink lines on several pregnancy tests four weeks ago. I already had bought props for a family picture to put on Facebook and was coming up with a new blog post to write after all of the other updates. For now those ideas are put away for the next child. This time I get to share the news and try to keep the tears from wetting my face and shirt too terribly much. Those tears are of love and from missing my babies. But I need to tell this story, even if it is just for me.

    After my first miscarriage and then two healthy babies I almost forgot the possibility of miscarrying. I remembered that pain as my sister-in-law experienced her own miscarriages last year. But it was still a distant memory for me. I somehow thought that since I had the 'been there, done that' card that I really was done with that experience in my life. Then a few months ago I had a strange feeling come over me. I couldn't shake the feeling that I would miscarry my next pregnancy. When I told Tim he told me to stop thinking such horrible thoughts. So I put it in the back of my mind. Every now and again I would think about it and wonder if it was just me being worried. Now I know that it was far more than that; it was inspiration. But I didn't know that at the time.

    With prayer and thought we came to a decision for trying to conceive the next child for our family. I was so excited! Tim was too. Well, our whole family was. Spencer had been asking for more babies for awhile and Lily is a little momma. Throughout that time I was weaning Lily and had some strange cycles which confused and somewhat discouraged me. But I knew that this was the time to be trying so I kept at it. I also had a vivid and specific dream about my next birth. Due to that dream I thought that perhaps this time we would have some time while trying and to just enjoy it.
     The night that I got my positive test gave me a shock. I was only two weeks into my cycle and had taken the test just for kicks during a boring weeknight. But the positive was there! I tested again in the morning and it was still positive. I tested a lot over the next few days out of shock and disbelief due to how early I got my positive! Plus it did not cooperate with the dream I had had. After discussing the events with my midwife she told me that I probably was further along or was carrying twins. Now I was in cloud nine thinking that I might possibly have twins! I bought the test with the weeks estimator because I felt so sure that I wasn't further along. That test estimated that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant due to the hormone levels. I was excited and scheduled my ultrasound to check which of the two it was. I certainly hoped for twins. We told our immediate family that weekend because we didn't want to keep it a secret any more!

First positive

Two more since I wasn't convinced

2-3 is estimated weeks since ovulation
which means estimated 4-5 weeks pregnant

     I had plenty of symptoms and was getting to know this baby [or babies!] pretty well. I could not eat many different foods but junk food or meat was usually okay. The smell of pancakes even made me nauseous! I really had a super sense of smell. I even went and bought new soap because ours smelled nasty. I bloated really quickly and used hair ties to close my pants within a week. My cravings were random but usually very strong. My smoothies were a no so I added extra sugar or used frozen yogurt instead of ice. That seemed to be okay. I was always tired and yet always had difficulty falling asleep. These symptoms gave me the reassurance that my baby was growing and healthy.

     Two weeks drug by for my ultrasound. The technician let us look for awhile and she kept trying to see. The sac was "beautifully healthy" and right where it needed to be. The size was definitely only that of four weeks which is exactly what it would've been based off of my last period. My due date was definitely going to be May 28, 2015. There was one sac so if there were twins it would have to be identical. We talked and decided to have me come back in a few weeks so that we could see more than the sac. Then we'd know if there were twins hiding in there or if my super early positive was just a fluke. One of my friends got a positive test and we were so excited to be due date buddies! I pulled out the maternity clothes to get them washed and hung in the closet, ready to go.

    Four days later, last Monday, I woke up early in the morning to use the bathroom. I discovered that I was bleeding, a lot. "No... No, no, no, no, no," was all I could say at first. Tears ran down my face as I reached for the pads and got clean underwear. Memories started to flood my mind: my first miscarriage, the excitement I had upon learning I was pregnant, that sinking feeling that warned me about this event... Lily's screams started to be heard on the baby monitor which sat on our dresser. I quickly got dressed so that I could go comfort her back to sleep. She fell back asleep quickly as I rocked her. But I sat there, rocking my baby who's here with me now, and just cried for several minutes. I finally got up to place her in bed so that I could try to rest a little more. As I curled up next to Tim again I sobbed enough that he woke up. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I'm miscarrying again."
     The rest of Monday was easy. I knew that nothing could be done to stop the miscarriage. I knew that this was God's plan though I didn't know why. I also knew that there would eventually be more babies with us here on Earth for longer. The kids and I enjoyed movie days while I rested and monitored myself to make sure I didn't need to go in for medical treatment. This time I knew that I didn't need anyone to tell me that I likely was miscarrying. I already knew that. I had already done this. I knew that 'likely miscarriage' would be the diagnosis they'd charge hundreds of dollars for. I remembered the instructions of 'schedule a follow up in a few days or return if it gets worse' so I stuck to that. Fortunately I did not need to go in. I was blessed that my body was able to miscarry safely on its own... I even took another pregnancy test a few days in and felt the horrible, sinking confirmation as I saw the negative result.
     I had friends bring me ice cream, let me come over so that I wasn't home 'alone,' give me hugs, let me know that it wasn't fair, call me, and let me talk about it. I loved having the support. I also appreciated the space I sometimes had. I never knew what to tell people who said "Let me know if there's anything we can do."
     Tuesday was when the reality set in. The emotions consumed me and I let them. They were ten times more than my first miscarriage. I wondered if I never let myself work through losing my first baby... But I knew that I needed to let the emotions come, respect them, and understand them. The nights were the hardest since Tim was at work and the children were asleep. I was alone and not distracted. One morning I just wanted to stay in bed. My heart hurt too much. That morning I knew that with all of the support I had, I still could not turn to them for the hurt that was going on inside. It was too great for me and nothing that they'd had. I turned to the Lord. I cried while I prayed and told Him everything. Each prayer was met with peace and reassurance. Then I slowly gained the answers and comfort I needed.
     When I cry, it's because I miss my babies. I do not know if it's two or three up there. I do not know their genders or which names to give them. But Heavenly Father does. I will someday. I do not know what they need to accomplish up there right now. I do not know why their time on Earth was so small. But I know that they are part of my forever family. I know that they are where they are needed and I am where I am needed. I know that in the grand scheme of things this time apart is very small, even if it is more than I had imagined. I know that there are many sad, evil things on Earth that will not touch them. I know that I will see and hold them again. There will be one day when I can look back and understand.