*Warning: This is not entirely rainbows and butterflies. I also chose not to edit/filter events because I want to honor what happened in the way it happened.*
I shall start at Wednesday the 22nd, my 35 week mark, since my Bellies friends assert that that is when the story starts [my midwife has a Nurturing Bellies every other week to discuss various birth/parenting topics]. That morning I noticed that my belly dropped already. I took a picture and decided to post it in the Bellies Facebook group since some women had never seen a literal drop. I had promised to do so previously when the topic came up. In my post I also asked them to please pray for baby to wait just one more week until we hit the home birth legal point even though odds were in our favor that we would make it. But I had never had my belly drop quite so early with my previous pregnancies.
That morning I also had my home visit. While checking and feeling the baby Stephanie looked at me, "How big were your other two?"
"Spencer was 6 lbs 14 oz and Lily was 6 lbs 7 oz. Why?" I responded.
"I don't think this baby is going to be that small. I think she's already 6 or 6.5 lbs." [We did not actually know the gender. But Stephanie felt that baby was a girl and since I thought so too I let her talk as if baby was even though Stephanie tried not to let it slip... too much.]
Thursday night Spencer and Lily went to sleep at Grandma's. I decided to stay up for when Tim got home from work. After talking together until midnight, Tim and I finally called it a night and fell asleep on what was then Friday morning, July 24th. After awhile I half woke up to Tim shuffling into the bathroom, turning the light on, and mostly closing the door. It was about 3:30 am. As I start to doze back off I notice a wet sensation that's slowly growing. "That's odd," I think to myself. "Wait! That's like when Lily's water broke. Shit! Get outta bed! Get outta bed!" I quickly, and carefully maneuver myself up and out of the bed. As soon as I stand up it turns into a huge gush. "Oh great! It is my water. And that stupid dream was *almost* right. Sob! I don't get my home birth! Stupid laws!! Five days!" sped through my brain. But all that came out of my mouth was, "Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit," on repeat. [My old swearing habit came flying out.]
Oh yes, I should share about the dream. The dream from August of 2014. The dream that I would argue is the "actual start" of the story if I were to pick one. The dream that was so vivid, felt so different, and stuck with me that I wrote about it in my typically forgotten journal months later.
"02/08/2015
I want to record this somewhere and had forgotten about this journal until today. I wish that I could share this with my family and friends but I know that it's not time. I am so excited for this pregnancy and yet live with some worry or fear... Even though I know that I should not fear. I need to rely on my faith and trust in God instead.
Several months ago I dreamt (sic) that I was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. Tim and I had decided to use the name Emilia just like we talked about in real life. My due date was in August but she was born July 26 instead [but somehow Sean and Deana Howell were excited that it was their anniversary (July 13)] <--- 26="" birthday="" but="" is="" july="" noah="" p="" s=""> This dream was one that felt like it was more than just a dream."
Later in the entry:
"Now I am pregnant again {after my miscarriage in 2014} and due in August like in my dream. But my due date is August 26... So by my dream this little girl would be born a whole month early. Since my dream I have also received a prompting that 'she will not be okay.' I do not know what this all means and am not sure that I will until it all unfolds. I am trying to be okay with that. I am trying to still be able to enjoy this pregnancy, plan positively, and take each moment as they come. I can not change what lies ahead. And I do not yet fully understand the information I've been given. I will one day."
"02/08/2015
I want to record this somewhere and had forgotten about this journal until today. I wish that I could share this with my family and friends but I know that it's not time. I am so excited for this pregnancy and yet live with some worry or fear... Even though I know that I should not fear. I need to rely on my faith and trust in God instead.
Several months ago I dreamt (sic) that I was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. Tim and I had decided to use the name Emilia just like we talked about in real life. My due date was in August but she was born July 26 instead [but somehow Sean and Deana Howell were excited that it was their anniversary (July 13)] <--- 26="" birthday="" but="" is="" july="" noah="" p="" s=""> This dream was one that felt like it was more than just a dream."
Later in the entry:
"Now I am pregnant again {after my miscarriage in 2014} and due in August like in my dream. But my due date is August 26... So by my dream this little girl would be born a whole month early. Since my dream I have also received a prompting that 'she will not be okay.' I do not know what this all means and am not sure that I will until it all unfolds. I am trying to be okay with that. I am trying to still be able to enjoy this pregnancy, plan positively, and take each moment as they come. I can not change what lies ahead. And I do not yet fully understand the information I've been given. I will one day."
This dream and all of those feelings were fully awakened that early morning.
After the quick moment of shock I start walking into the bathroom, Tim still on the toilet, since cleaning up linoleum has to be easier than if I let the rest of my water leak onto the carpet. As I am now in the light we both see that blood is gushing all over the floor not amniotic fluid.. "Oh crap!" Tim proclaims and immediately jumps up off the toilet to push past me back into our room. I pull my bottoms off, set them on the tub, and sit down on the toilet, hoping to reduce the future clean up. I start sobbing, staring at the blood down my legs, my blood-stained clothes, and the newly red floor. My heart sinks into my chest. I know that this is far worse than not having my home birth and can't stop the heaving sobs. Tim is loudly pulling open drawers to get dressed and gather a few items. I tell him to not worry about anything and to just get me a pair of pants and a towel. "We are going straight to the hospital," he says. I immediately call out for him to call Stephanie. "But why? We know we have to go to the hospital."
"Just call Stephanie," I tell him. "My phone is sitting on the top of the couch, charging. Just call her." He hands me a towel as he calls her then goes back into the room. I hear him in the background informing my midwife, my friend, that I am bleeding. He estimates a smaller amount so I holler, "Tell her that I thought my water broke!" He never mentions it and continues his hurried conversation and packing. I shift my focus to myself, debating on when to get off the toilet, my heart still sinking in my chest. Tim interrupts asking me what hospital we are going to and I tell him to ask Stephanie if she has any recommendations. The decision for Banner Desert is made since it is closest to our house. The bleeding paused long enough that I get up, place a towel between my legs, and go to the bed to put pants on, the ones Tim laid out for me. My body shakes with sobs as I move one leg at a time into my pants and move the towel back into place. Tim then asks me if we need an ambulance, truly relaying the midwife's question. I tell him no we can drive there because it is close and there's virtually no traffic at this time of night. As I stand up to head to the car, I glance into the blood painted bathroom one more time..
The drive is nerve-wracking. We discuss how perfect it is that the children are already at Grandma's although perfect feels like the wrong word. I feel the start of contractions and am grateful that these are the tiny ones in the car because I hate car labor. We also discuss whom to call for a priesthood blessing. We decide on my father and call him. Prayers continue to be said in my head. As we get onto the freeway I receive a text from Stephanie that she is on her way to meet us there and that they know we are coming. I let her know how close we are. Tim goes to drop me off at the ER. "Why are we going to the ER?! What about Labor and Delivery since I'm pregnant?" I question.
"Stephanie said to go to the ER so we're going to the ER." At the doors to the hospital I get out of the car. "Are you okay walking in there or do you want me to go with you then park the car?"
"I got it. Park the car and then come find me."
It is around 4 am. The waddle in is as awkward as can be with a towel stuffed between my legs and I'm moving as quickly as I can. There is no line so I quickly check in. They send me straight over to the nurse for vitals, slap a bracelet on me, Tim comes in, and a man with a wheelchair is there to transport me to labor and delivery before I even think to sit in the waiting room. The man asks Tim about where he parked and tells him to just move it over to labor and delivery and meet us over there. Each person I see on the way asks me what happened. "I thought my water broke but when I went to the bathroom and could see it was bright red." A question about contractions. "I felt some small ones on the drive here." Then a question about if I felt my baby moving since then. "Honestly, I haven't even been paying attention to that...." Every single time. Hot tears stream down my face... Empathy in the eyes that greet mine, a rub on my shoulder, and a promise that I will be taken care of and my baby will be checked on right away.
In the hallway I see a familiar face, Stephanie, talking to someone at a desk and know that we must have finally arrived. I already feel a little lifted seeing her here. She gives me a hug and we talk. Then Tim finds us as well. Stephanie gives the staff my paperwork to copy with specific instructions that she has to have them back for her own file. In the triage room I take off my bottoms. Seeing my still blood-splattered legs Stephanie's face changes a bit. "I didn't know it was that much," she whispers in my ear as hospital staff are in and out of the room.
"I told Tim to tell you I thought my water broke."
"You've had a placental abruption," Stephanie continues. "You're going to have a c-section. It isn't what you wanted. But it will be okay. Today is your baby's birthday. You're having a baby today!" I see one of her big grins. It is a kind grin, a reminder of how amazing this day is. In her eyes I also see the empathy and sadness she feels of my circumstances. It is a perfect reflection of her statements.
Hospital staff of all sorts come in and out of the room: doctors, nurses, ultrasound tech, and more. An iv is started. The gbs swab had not been done yet so antibiotics are automatically started. The monitors are placed on my belly. More questions are asked. There are contractions and baby's heart beat is good. The ultrasound appears normal and an abruption is not seen. "About half of the time an abruption can't be found on ultrasound. Be prepared to still have a c-section," Stephanie whispers to me. I am so grateful for her presence in this chaos. During this time my Dad arrives and assists Tim in a Priesthood blessing. He then goes back home to help my mom. The doctor leaves the room and other staff ask me to move down for a pelvic exam. Oh the dreaded pelvic exam that I deplore and is terribly uncomfortable in labor... I say, "ow!" and Stephanie talks me through, tells me to relax and invite them in. So I do, even though I really did not want any of this, because it is needed. While on my back baby's heart rate drops so an oxygen mask is thrown on me. They swab to check if my water broke and also check dilation. I am immediately put on my side since baby is happier there and we wait for a decision. At some point Stephanie tries to reach Deana since the plan included having her at the birth. She doesn't answer her phone or messages. While waiting we chat. After a little bit Stephanie stuffs the oxygen mask under my pillow since the baby's heart rate has been fine and it was only when flat on my back that the heart rate dropped. Surely enough the heart rate stays steady and the nurses never ask me to put it back on.
After a short bit the doctor comes back in. "The test shows that your water did break. So we are continuing with expectant management. We won't stop your labor but we also won't progress it. We'll keep monitoring you and baby and go from there." Stephanie asks about all of the blood [oh yes I am still bleeding this whole time. Just assume that the entire time, the ENTIRE time, I am still bleeding because I am.] He says that it probably is the typical bleeding but looks worse since my water broke and the ultrasound appeared normal.
Okay, so I honestly don't remember if those were the exact words or order, And I know that Stephanie talked to me [and Tim] about expectant management and what it means at one point. I also remember misunderstanding the doctor and thinking that he wanted to use pitocin which I did not want even though he was on the same page as I was. But the exact details, order, who said exactly what..... It's a muddled blur now. There was also a point when Stephanie had to stand up to get a lost page from her file back. It was in the copier still and the nurse apologized for being rude about it. Back to the story.
I'm admitted and transported to labor and delivery around 5:30 am. Stephanie comments to me about her surprise and that there is still a good chance of them changing their minds and taking me back for a c-section at any point. I overhear the nurse tell my new nurse about what's going on and a comment about how there's still a high chance of going to surgery. I never bother to put the hospital gown on but I do take off my shirt. Right after shift change at 6 my nurse is Katie. She's fine with the people I want in the room and allows Stephanie to use gloves, disconnect the monitor for me to go to the bathroom, and help out [all after she so kindly and almost sheepishly asks since she knows this is their turf not hers.] The contractions have been progressing the whole time but still really manageable. The monitoring is continuous due to the circumstances. After the nurse leaves Stephanie offers to sneak me food. I decline since I know the surgery may still happen and don't want to upset them if it does. I decline to sign any forms for an epidural even for "just in case" which miffed the person with the forms. I start using my yoga birth methods techniques [aside from the asana] during contractions. In between I join the side conversation.
Stephanie reminisces a little bit about being a doula and attending many births at this hospital. She shares that there are lots of great doctors here but there are only two that she can not recommend, but chances are that they wouldn't be on call. At 8:30 am Deana finally arrives [after many phone calls including one to her husband, Sean]. In her defense her children had hid her phone and she wasn't expecting anything to happen yet!
She quickly makes arrangements for a camera since that was one of the last things on our mind while leaving the house. I use the bathroom and Stephanie points out the size of clot in the toilet to the nurse. Moments later Katie walks in with the on-call Ob for him to introduce himself.... who is one of the doctors Stephanie mentioned. Oh the irony! I barely talk to him. Stephanie is off in the corner hiding her face. Deana has no idea what is going on. Apparently my discomfort is obvious. As he walks out of the room he asks Katie to come with him. I confirm with Stephanie that he was one he mentioned and inform Tim to go fire him immediately. We also quickly fill Deana in. Katie comes back in and we talk to her. The doctor had asked her if he had said or done something since I was obviously not at ease. We tell her that we have a friend who had had bad experience with him and we were not comfortable with him as our doctor at all. We need a new one. Katie is amazing and sees what can be done since he is the only one on call.
There is more conversation in the room which I love. I love having these people with me at this time even though it is much earlier than I wanted it to be. I find it more difficult to rejoin the conversation and Stephanie notices. She tells me that it's okay and I don't have to entertain them. They are here for me. I keep my eyes closed a lot. I know at different points I switch sides. Katie also brings in a peanut ball to put between my legs since I was using pillows. At this point I am in labor land. With contractions I breathe, relax, and tell my cervix to open. For me I imagine a blossoming rose since it helps me.
Thankfully Deana took notes so I have an order for the events. 9:50 am I started making exhale sounds during contractions. Only ten minutes later at 10 am Stephanie informs me that Kari is starting labor so she may have to leave. She wants to stay but since the medical staff at the hospital is taking care of me she doesn't feel right calling in another midwife to take care of her. I completely understand. I want her here but understand if she needs to leave. Then Katie comes in for a check and comments, "I know it would be more comfortable at home but she is rocking and rolling and cruising." The contractions continue to build and I hold Tim's hand to both of our surprise [very hands off with the older two.] But that is what I need this time. Stephanie comments about how it is getting closer and I agree. I know that it won't be long.
At 10:12 Dr. Fuller, a perinatologist, comes in and introduces herself rather loudly in the middle of a contraction. I keep my eyes closed, breathing, and wait to greet her even though I know she is waiting. I like her much more and am happy that the staff worked out the request to not use the on call Ob. After she leaves Stephanie reminds me that it is close and talks me through a contraction, "Let pressure come from above and let it sink below."
During a contraction I feel the urge to get up. "I have to get up," goes the dialogue in my mind. "But I can't. The baby is happy when I'm on my side. But I have to get up. I have to get up. I can pee! That is okay and then I will be up." So at 10:27 I decide to use the bathroom. I have a couple contractions in there this time and make more "birthy" noises. Once back at the bed I merely sit on the edge. I had intended to "be good" and go back to side lying but I just don't. I need someone to lean on and Deana makes sure that Tim is the one there for that. I lean on him and let my body drop for the contractions. Stephanie notices that the monitor isn't picking up the baby so she comes in and holds the monitor in place, tells me not to move for because she will move around me. My round belly just moved the monitor off and the heart rate is fine.
10:35 am Katie comes in since she saw the monitor and wants to check in. Stephanie informs her that we will be pushing soon. At the end of a contraction I lift myself off the bed a little bit. "Do you feel like you need more room for the baby?" asks Stephanie. I shake my head yes. "Do you want to move?" I shake my head again. I decide to get on the bed, the head raised, and lean against that [at 10:40.]
While here I look towards my birth team and feel a presence, a support, I am certain there are literally guardian angels present. In this moment I understand the birth group's saying that we are each other's elephants. Watching elephants in the wild during a birth is amazing [thanks youtube!] "They are my elephants. They really are. I get it," I briefly think. I use different breathes from yoga. I visualize breathing and sending energy and life to my baby.
I hear Stephanie tell Katie that I'm getting pushy. "I know," she responds.
10:55 am Stephanie says, "Your baby is coming sweetie."
"I know," is my response. During contractions I am amazed of the sudden feelings to really push and sometimes not so much. Suddenly, during one I need to have my head down all the way and keep saying to put the top down put the top down. [At some point during this time Stephanie and nurse Katie had a discussion that I was oblivious to while in "labor land." Basically Katie was going to wait to call the team in as long as she could so that they couldn't make me change positions since I did not want to be put in the stirrups. And she did.] Dr. Fuller and the baby team come in as I am pushing. At one point Stephanie tells me something and I know that I just have to push the baby out right away.
I feel the ring of fire and my mind asks why I wanted to do this. 10:58 the baby is born completely en the caul, unattached to me [not that I am aware of that yet], and Stephanie and I tell Deana to get pictures. My water had not broken.
I recall something said at Bellies before about making sure that moms don't get tangled in the cord when the baby is born behind them. So I lift my leg up as I turn around, unaware that my baby was not at all attached to me any more. As this is going on Stephanie points to a clot on the sac asking if it was the placenta and she replies yes. Then Stephanie says, "No. That's a clot." I am told that at this point the doctor quickly went to free the baby from the sac.
I see my baby lying on the bed, legs open, immediately grab him, and say, "Hello Vincent!" My baby is a boy! Stephanie asks if I saw between the legs and if I was going to announce since she did not hear me. We were both wrong but I do not care in this moment. This is my Vincent, my baby.
He has not really cried so Stephanie holds him, rubbing him, and gets him to cry. She hands him back, he is pretty quiet again, and she repeats. After a short bit Dr. Fuller tells me that they need to manually extract my placenta and Tim takes Vincent over to his team at the incubator.
I am given "the good stuff" in my iv. I breathe deeply to try to relax. but still remember how awful it felt after Spencer and that was with an epidural. I breathe again and let that thought pass. It hurts worse than birth... Stephanie holds my hand to help hold me down in a way. I am so grateful for that. The extraction still hurts but having a hand to hold helps. Fortunately the doctor got it all so we do not have to go to the O.R. Also I did not tear and need zero stitches!
Vincent's nurse brings him over to me in a blanket to kiss him goodbye as they rush him up to the NICU. Tim kisses me goodbye as well.
Stephanie stays to help Katie change my sheets with me on the bed still. Deana stays with me as well. I say something which Stephanie says I am too coherent considering what drugs I am on right now. I laugh inside.
After a short bit Stephanie tells me bye so that she can hopefully rest before attending Kari's birth with plans to come back later with Vincent's hat and sing him 'Happy Birthday' [two of her traditions for births.] Deana watches over me as I nap and also helps with phones/chargers between me and Tim. Talking with Deana after the whole event is nice but feels so surreal without a baby there or my husband. Katie brings in my lunch and chats with us about the birth too.
As Katie takes me upstairs I say goodbye to Deana. We see Vincent on the way to my room.
He had respiratory issues so he is on cpap and a feeding tube. My heart is broken for him but I know that right now he needs me to be strong and take care of him too. Once in my room I ask for a pump because all I want is to hold and feed my baby, neither of which I can do right now. Later that night, just before midnight, I went and sang him 'Happy Birthday' by myself, not able to keep back the tears.
"Just call Stephanie," I tell him. "My phone is sitting on the top of the couch, charging. Just call her." He hands me a towel as he calls her then goes back into the room. I hear him in the background informing my midwife, my friend, that I am bleeding. He estimates a smaller amount so I holler, "Tell her that I thought my water broke!" He never mentions it and continues his hurried conversation and packing. I shift my focus to myself, debating on when to get off the toilet, my heart still sinking in my chest. Tim interrupts asking me what hospital we are going to and I tell him to ask Stephanie if she has any recommendations. The decision for Banner Desert is made since it is closest to our house. The bleeding paused long enough that I get up, place a towel between my legs, and go to the bed to put pants on, the ones Tim laid out for me. My body shakes with sobs as I move one leg at a time into my pants and move the towel back into place. Tim then asks me if we need an ambulance, truly relaying the midwife's question. I tell him no we can drive there because it is close and there's virtually no traffic at this time of night. As I stand up to head to the car, I glance into the blood painted bathroom one more time..
The drive is nerve-wracking. We discuss how perfect it is that the children are already at Grandma's although perfect feels like the wrong word. I feel the start of contractions and am grateful that these are the tiny ones in the car because I hate car labor. We also discuss whom to call for a priesthood blessing. We decide on my father and call him. Prayers continue to be said in my head. As we get onto the freeway I receive a text from Stephanie that she is on her way to meet us there and that they know we are coming. I let her know how close we are. Tim goes to drop me off at the ER. "Why are we going to the ER?! What about Labor and Delivery since I'm pregnant?" I question.
"Stephanie said to go to the ER so we're going to the ER." At the doors to the hospital I get out of the car. "Are you okay walking in there or do you want me to go with you then park the car?"
"I got it. Park the car and then come find me."
It is around 4 am. The waddle in is as awkward as can be with a towel stuffed between my legs and I'm moving as quickly as I can. There is no line so I quickly check in. They send me straight over to the nurse for vitals, slap a bracelet on me, Tim comes in, and a man with a wheelchair is there to transport me to labor and delivery before I even think to sit in the waiting room. The man asks Tim about where he parked and tells him to just move it over to labor and delivery and meet us over there. Each person I see on the way asks me what happened. "I thought my water broke but when I went to the bathroom and could see it was bright red." A question about contractions. "I felt some small ones on the drive here." Then a question about if I felt my baby moving since then. "Honestly, I haven't even been paying attention to that...." Every single time. Hot tears stream down my face... Empathy in the eyes that greet mine, a rub on my shoulder, and a promise that I will be taken care of and my baby will be checked on right away.
In the hallway I see a familiar face, Stephanie, talking to someone at a desk and know that we must have finally arrived. I already feel a little lifted seeing her here. She gives me a hug and we talk. Then Tim finds us as well. Stephanie gives the staff my paperwork to copy with specific instructions that she has to have them back for her own file. In the triage room I take off my bottoms. Seeing my still blood-splattered legs Stephanie's face changes a bit. "I didn't know it was that much," she whispers in my ear as hospital staff are in and out of the room.
"I told Tim to tell you I thought my water broke."
"You've had a placental abruption," Stephanie continues. "You're going to have a c-section. It isn't what you wanted. But it will be okay. Today is your baby's birthday. You're having a baby today!" I see one of her big grins. It is a kind grin, a reminder of how amazing this day is. In her eyes I also see the empathy and sadness she feels of my circumstances. It is a perfect reflection of her statements.
Hospital staff of all sorts come in and out of the room: doctors, nurses, ultrasound tech, and more. An iv is started. The gbs swab had not been done yet so antibiotics are automatically started. The monitors are placed on my belly. More questions are asked. There are contractions and baby's heart beat is good. The ultrasound appears normal and an abruption is not seen. "About half of the time an abruption can't be found on ultrasound. Be prepared to still have a c-section," Stephanie whispers to me. I am so grateful for her presence in this chaos. During this time my Dad arrives and assists Tim in a Priesthood blessing. He then goes back home to help my mom. The doctor leaves the room and other staff ask me to move down for a pelvic exam. Oh the dreaded pelvic exam that I deplore and is terribly uncomfortable in labor... I say, "ow!" and Stephanie talks me through, tells me to relax and invite them in. So I do, even though I really did not want any of this, because it is needed. While on my back baby's heart rate drops so an oxygen mask is thrown on me. They swab to check if my water broke and also check dilation. I am immediately put on my side since baby is happier there and we wait for a decision. At some point Stephanie tries to reach Deana since the plan included having her at the birth. She doesn't answer her phone or messages. While waiting we chat. After a little bit Stephanie stuffs the oxygen mask under my pillow since the baby's heart rate has been fine and it was only when flat on my back that the heart rate dropped. Surely enough the heart rate stays steady and the nurses never ask me to put it back on.
Okay, so I honestly don't remember if those were the exact words or order, And I know that Stephanie talked to me [and Tim] about expectant management and what it means at one point. I also remember misunderstanding the doctor and thinking that he wanted to use pitocin which I did not want even though he was on the same page as I was. But the exact details, order, who said exactly what..... It's a muddled blur now. There was also a point when Stephanie had to stand up to get a lost page from her file back. It was in the copier still and the nurse apologized for being rude about it. Back to the story.
I'm admitted and transported to labor and delivery around 5:30 am. Stephanie comments to me about her surprise and that there is still a good chance of them changing their minds and taking me back for a c-section at any point. I overhear the nurse tell my new nurse about what's going on and a comment about how there's still a high chance of going to surgery. I never bother to put the hospital gown on but I do take off my shirt. Right after shift change at 6 my nurse is Katie. She's fine with the people I want in the room and allows Stephanie to use gloves, disconnect the monitor for me to go to the bathroom, and help out [all after she so kindly and almost sheepishly asks since she knows this is their turf not hers.] The contractions have been progressing the whole time but still really manageable. The monitoring is continuous due to the circumstances. After the nurse leaves Stephanie offers to sneak me food. I decline since I know the surgery may still happen and don't want to upset them if it does. I decline to sign any forms for an epidural even for "just in case" which miffed the person with the forms. I start using my yoga birth methods techniques [aside from the asana] during contractions. In between I join the side conversation.
 |
| Relaxing my body during a contraction |
 |
| Deana and Stephanie |
There is more conversation in the room which I love. I love having these people with me at this time even though it is much earlier than I wanted it to be. I find it more difficult to rejoin the conversation and Stephanie notices. She tells me that it's okay and I don't have to entertain them. They are here for me. I keep my eyes closed a lot. I know at different points I switch sides. Katie also brings in a peanut ball to put between my legs since I was using pillows. At this point I am in labor land. With contractions I breathe, relax, and tell my cervix to open. For me I imagine a blossoming rose since it helps me.
 |
During a contraction I feel the urge to get up. "I have to get up," goes the dialogue in my mind. "But I can't. The baby is happy when I'm on my side. But I have to get up. I have to get up. I can pee! That is okay and then I will be up." So at 10:27 I decide to use the bathroom. I have a couple contractions in there this time and make more "birthy" noises. Once back at the bed I merely sit on the edge. I had intended to "be good" and go back to side lying but I just don't. I need someone to lean on and Deana makes sure that Tim is the one there for that. I lean on him and let my body drop for the contractions. Stephanie notices that the monitor isn't picking up the baby so she comes in and holds the monitor in place, tells me not to move for because she will move around me. My round belly just moved the monitor off and the heart rate is fine.
10:35 am Katie comes in since she saw the monitor and wants to check in. Stephanie informs her that we will be pushing soon. At the end of a contraction I lift myself off the bed a little bit. "Do you feel like you need more room for the baby?" asks Stephanie. I shake my head yes. "Do you want to move?" I shake my head again. I decide to get on the bed, the head raised, and lean against that [at 10:40.]
While here I look towards my birth team and feel a presence, a support, I am certain there are literally guardian angels present. In this moment I understand the birth group's saying that we are each other's elephants. Watching elephants in the wild during a birth is amazing [thanks youtube!] "They are my elephants. They really are. I get it," I briefly think. I use different breathes from yoga. I visualize breathing and sending energy and life to my baby.
I hear Stephanie tell Katie that I'm getting pushy. "I know," she responds.
10:55 am Stephanie says, "Your baby is coming sweetie."
"I know," is my response. During contractions I am amazed of the sudden feelings to really push and sometimes not so much. Suddenly, during one I need to have my head down all the way and keep saying to put the top down put the top down. [At some point during this time Stephanie and nurse Katie had a discussion that I was oblivious to while in "labor land." Basically Katie was going to wait to call the team in as long as she could so that they couldn't make me change positions since I did not want to be put in the stirrups. And she did.] Dr. Fuller and the baby team come in as I am pushing. At one point Stephanie tells me something and I know that I just have to push the baby out right away.
I feel the ring of fire and my mind asks why I wanted to do this. 10:58 the baby is born completely en the caul, unattached to me [not that I am aware of that yet], and Stephanie and I tell Deana to get pictures. My water had not broken.
I recall something said at Bellies before about making sure that moms don't get tangled in the cord when the baby is born behind them. So I lift my leg up as I turn around, unaware that my baby was not at all attached to me any more. As this is going on Stephanie points to a clot on the sac asking if it was the placenta and she replies yes. Then Stephanie says, "No. That's a clot." I am told that at this point the doctor quickly went to free the baby from the sac.
I see my baby lying on the bed, legs open, immediately grab him, and say, "Hello Vincent!" My baby is a boy! Stephanie asks if I saw between the legs and if I was going to announce since she did not hear me. We were both wrong but I do not care in this moment. This is my Vincent, my baby.
He has not really cried so Stephanie holds him, rubbing him, and gets him to cry. She hands him back, he is pretty quiet again, and she repeats. After a short bit Dr. Fuller tells me that they need to manually extract my placenta and Tim takes Vincent over to his team at the incubator.
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| His weight! We never did get a length |
I am given "the good stuff" in my iv. I breathe deeply to try to relax. but still remember how awful it felt after Spencer and that was with an epidural. I breathe again and let that thought pass. It hurts worse than birth... Stephanie holds my hand to help hold me down in a way. I am so grateful for that. The extraction still hurts but having a hand to hold helps. Fortunately the doctor got it all so we do not have to go to the O.R. Also I did not tear and need zero stitches!
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| Poor Tim didn't know where to be: with wife or child? |
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| After it was done |
Vincent's nurse brings him over to me in a blanket to kiss him goodbye as they rush him up to the NICU. Tim kisses me goodbye as well.
Stephanie stays to help Katie change my sheets with me on the bed still. Deana stays with me as well. I say something which Stephanie says I am too coherent considering what drugs I am on right now. I laugh inside.
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After a short bit Stephanie tells me bye so that she can hopefully rest before attending Kari's birth with plans to come back later with Vincent's hat and sing him 'Happy Birthday' [two of her traditions for births.] Deana watches over me as I nap and also helps with phones/chargers between me and Tim. Talking with Deana after the whole event is nice but feels so surreal without a baby there or my husband. Katie brings in my lunch and chats with us about the birth too.
As Katie takes me upstairs I say goodbye to Deana. We see Vincent on the way to my room.
He had respiratory issues so he is on cpap and a feeding tube. My heart is broken for him but I know that right now he needs me to be strong and take care of him too. Once in my room I ask for a pump because all I want is to hold and feed my baby, neither of which I can do right now. Later that night, just before midnight, I went and sang him 'Happy Birthday' by myself, not able to keep back the tears.
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